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Funny Marriage Quotes

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From Lee Daniel Quinn's book,
Quinn's Devious Dictionary:

MARRIAGE, n.
[1] the dawn of romance
and the commencement of history;
[2] a word that should be
pronounced as "mirage";
[3] an event, for the upper middle class,
is the only adventure left;
[4] a very good way to promote civilization
- if you get a good wife you will be happy,
if you get a bad one
you will become a philosopher
[5] a process much like a cafeteria
- you carefully look over the choices,
select what looks the best
- and pay later;

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[6] an event which is called "tying the knot"
- unfortunately, the knot can be a noose;
[7] a word which always means commitment
- but so does insanity;
[8] a ceremony favored in England
- it's the only way to beat
their cold winters and lack of central heating;
[9] something that changes
the demeanor of a driver
- there is no longer any effort needed
to keep both hands on the wheel;
[10] the only permanent cure for love;
[11] is only compatible
when the man makes a living
and his wife makes living worthwhile;
[12] the only adventure open to the cowardly;
[13] something which is called a feast
- unfortunately, sometimes the appetizer
is better than the main course;
[14] a group which consists of:
a master, a mistress,
and two slaves, making in all, two;
[15] the alliance of two people,
one who never remembers birthdays,
and the other who never forgets them;
[16] the process that turns a female
from an attraction into a distraction;
[17] a legal custom which turns a man
into the captive audience of his wife;
[18] that ceremony which makes
more strange bedfellows than politics;
[19] a rite where two people,
under the influence most violent,
most insane, most delusive,
and most transient of passions,
are required to swear that
they will remain in that excited,
abnormal and exhausting condition
until death do them part;
[20] occurs where a man
gets hooked by his own line;
[21] in America, is the only legal method
of suppressing freedom of speech;

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[22] is made out of two toothbrushes
but a single tube of toothpaste;
[23] is just a three-ring circus:
engagement, wedding, and suffer;
[24] the process of finding out
the kind of guy your wife would have preferred;
[25] a condition where no wife gets what she expected,
and no husband expected what he was getting;
[26] the ceremony which provides a man with something that,
sooner or later, he will find he can't blame on the government;
[27] a tradition which would suffer considerably
if men had to pay the minister the same fee
they will eventually have to pay the divorce lawyer;
[28] is much like a pair of shears,
so joined so the parts cannot be separated,
often moving in opposite directions,
yet always punishing anyone
who tries to come between them;
[29] the continuous process of getting
used to things you never expected;
[30] a status which depends upon
two to be successful
but only one to turn into a failure;
[31] is a book in which the first chapter
is written in poetry
and the rest of the pages is prose;
[32] a bargain, and a sensible person
understands that someone
must get the better of any bargain;
[33] in Japanese is called "Judo"
- the art of conquering by yielding.
This is the western equivalent of "Yes, dear";
[34] a confrontation which always demands
the greatest understanding of the subtle art
of insincerity possible between two human beings;
[35] is not a word, but a sentence;
[36] a delightful form of combat
where you get to sleep with the enemy;
[37] an investment that pays big dividends
if you manage to keep up the interest.

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